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wow. i am overwhelmed. i had so many things to write about. and i was in such a pensive yet sweet-carefree mood. the walk home from the LIRR (long island railroad, for miss sue), was such a pleasant one. it finally stopped raining. and the sidewalks are colorful from all the fallen leaves. i want to collect some once the weather is completely dry. i never did that before. i think i'll do that this fall. do what normal people do. collect some leaves, and maybe laminate it or something. i don't have an ounce of creativity in me, but i'll think of something. any suggestions?
i have this song in my head. if you know the song, please leave a note. it was in Home Alone, and it went something like this - sol, me, sol, me, hi-do (2), sol.
last night was a blast. it wasn't a blast because it was so action packed and fun, but i had a great time just chilling, lounging around. i really have to thank james for having us over and sharing his liquor. i was really giddy at the prospect of having some hennessey xo again, but he was all out. so i made the sojinat0r for everyone - 1/3 of 151, 1/3 of malibu rum, 1/3 of pineapple juice. then we moved the party to mr. spicy's apartment since he lives like 3 blocks away, and has even more liquor. damn, i saw a bottle of something, cognac, for the first time in my life, but i forgot the name. anyway, i ended up having two, or 3 full glasses of jw black on the rocks. bad idea. i want to puke at the thought right now. ha ha ha. damn, time flew because before i knew it, it was already 5. we just talked and talked. i could be such a storyteller when i'm drinking. usually, i have so many that i don't have to recycle any old ones. except the good ones. like fob boy at baden baden. and i ask a lot of questions. man, conversation is everything. of course i forget a lot of the answers, such as, "why were you in Germany again?" ha ha ha.
structural finance. i remember. ha. that's one thing that i'll usually forget and ask over again the next day or the next time i meet someone. i always ask, "what do you do," a lot out of habit, and it's while i'm drinking. i'll forget the next day. not that i don't want to know, or because it's uninteresting and lame. because i always enjoy listening to what people in general do. it sort of expands my horizon, just on the world, on people. i am rambling.
i finally watched Swingers. i didn't get to finish it but as long as i got to see the money part, i am content. i'd like to watch the whole thing over when i'm not so faded and tired. maybe later tonight. with peachboy. damn, i gotta stop calling him that. it's all your fault, james.
speaking of james, i called CL last nite, while we were on the road westbound. i was kind of worried because of all the shit that has been going on down in DC. random people getting shot and shit, while mowing the lawn, on a porch bench, while pumping gas, a 13 year old. mindboggling madness. i don't have a cell phone and i can't call long distance from home. so i borrowed michelle's cell phone. he's ok. of course. i'm glad he's ok. i know he's not really ok, but as long as he says he is, that's all i can take and ask for.
i guess the tides do turn every once in a while. i've been meeting some great people. i don't really like meeting people; i don't like people. but that doesn't mean that my mind is shut or anything. when i meet people, i won't have any sort of expectation, whatsoever, and sometimes, the tides turn and i catch some nice people. when i stumble upon, come across some nice people, without any effort, i will be grateful, to fate, to Whomever it was for that little nudge. having no expectations have worked both ways for me. and i think all the "bad" that has happened, only magnifies the every once in a while "good". so it's all good.
life is good. i am a wretched man. but my siblings are well. my father is well. my mother is, well, just my mother. she's well, too, i guess. what more could i ask for?
i think i am too independent, a little too much for my own good. a lot of the things, rather stupid things, that i do...it's all from my stubborn independence. that one little thought where it's only me. although, i firmly believe that everyone stands...and walks alone, before the eyes of God. i believe that's the reality of life, and those that realize, accept, and live conscious of that reality, are the only ones who really aren't alone. does that make sense? i know it doesn't. but i don't feel like explaining that right now. besides, i think i talk about spirituality way too much.
i thought about my family's well-being, then my own behalf. i want to quit smoking. i don't wish to seek refuge and comfort from a drink. and i do so much psychoanalyzing, that sometimes it feels like there are two me's - one critiquing another. my spelling sucks. bite me. anyway, i know this is all a phaze, and sooner or later, the transition will happen. it's all a matter of time. i don't know where that turning point will be but i know there will be one. and once i'm gone, i'm gone. there's no turning back.
when i say there's no turning back, i don't mean a reformation of the outer me. what am i talking about...i'm such a good talker. one day, Someone else will back it up.
oh yeah, that independent shit. i have this habit of not calling when i'm out late. or even when i'm away. i'll announce my departure and that'll be the last anyone hears of me until i return. anyway, i should call, but fuck, i should quit smoking, too. so i don't call. that kind of got me into a little trouble today, and i worried some people. i know i shouldn't do (or i should do) certain things to keep people happy and worry-free. but i have a bad attitude of "don't worry about me" kinda thing, just stuck to me, like a habit. yeah, it's selfish. maybe i just need to grow up. maybe i'll grow out of it one day. yeah.
damn, i had so many things to write about today. not that i haven't written a lot already - i probably did, to the likings of most people. meaning, it's not a lot to me, but it is to most people. ramble, ramble, ramble. weeeee
james, mr. spicy, and i had some dimsum a little past noon. 69th and 1st avenue, i think. damn, it looked so good but i couldn't indulge much. all i really had was like 5 glasses of water. tried to eat but i could barely nibble on even one dumpling. i got some jjam ppong at Uncle King's with my brother a few hours ago, though. for the soup. after a night of heavy drinking, soup is the best. or so my tummy says.
i need to come up with a nickname for james. i already named his fish, Otis. he has a siamese fighting fish. i suggested that he do what Garr did - get another fish and name them, Tupac and Biggie. i want like two cats, and name them Mercedes and Lexus. or Gucci and Versace. that's what Tony did - Mercedes and Lexus.
ok. gotta get ready to go out. just gonna chill and lounge some more; hold the alcohol, please.
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