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torn
Basically, my mother suggested that I move back in with my father. The story with my parents run more complex than a simple divorce. I think I'll spare you, blog, the story. I don't really think of them as my parents. My father, and my mother, are two different people, elements, objects, to me. They both have distinctly different stories tied to me. And the story with my mother, in a sentence or two, is that I don't have much compassion towards her. Cold, I suppose, I am. I love her, but love can be cold, too, or so I've learned. Anyway, I moved in with my mother two or some years ago, with the intent of moving right back out in a few months but I ended up staying. After living ten years all by herself, with a roommate, never remarried, when I moved in with her, it was like a dream come true for her. It's a shame that I can't say the same but that's life. We live in a cruel, unjust world. But I stayed. I stayed because although I never expressed any affection, or shown any compassion towards her, inside, the affectionate albeit cold part of me couldn't bear to see her shed another tear, and be alone again.
I really miss living with my siblings and father. They're always asking me to move back in, whenever I see any of them. But I just can't bring myself to leave. At least not until my mother can let me go. I don't do jack shit for my mother; I can't even help pay the rent right now. Shit has been going on lately, so we've been kinda restless. So when my mother suggested that I move back in with my father, I was more than happy to hear that. I didn't want to sound too happy, or eager, because I know she doesn't want to let me go. But she thinks that "it's better for me." So I've been packing.
Then she comes into my room, looks at me puppy-eyed and says softly, "don't go." What the fuck am I going to say/do to that? Staying here won't be good for her, or even me, as we've both learned and realized. But as of now, I don't have the power, the strength to lay that jurisdiction.
Normally, I prefer to look at things, decide, judge, without any influence from emotion. Any kind of emotion is just unreliable when it comes down to laying down a sound judgment. But I'm gonna have to make an exception for my mother right now. As I have been. Until I find the strength to pull away from whatever emotion, jung, affection that is holding me.
Jung is a scary thing. Not something to be fucked with. Jung, is another word that can't fully be described or translated into English. It's something like emotion/affection/compassion, but more. Or less.
Oh, I was thinking about what ajji said the other night, at noraebang. He amuses me sometimes. He's really something else when he debates. I don't like debating with him because his voice gets louder, as mine to overpower his, and eventually, we have to shout at each other. His nose flares and everything. Kinda funny. Anyway, I really didn't want to go to noraebang after prince ii on Saturday night, because I was far from drunk, or even buzzed, but km and j unnie dragged me. I didn't sing or do the ddr shit - I hate ddr. I tried it once and I suck. Fucking suck. So. Ajji and I were just sitting there, and although the music was blasting, I said something, sort of confided in him, about a relationship issue. And he was giving me advice when he went on a tangent about his own ex-gf. Once he starts talking, he will keep talking. It takes him a few minutes to realize that he's babbling on, then stops. It's all good. Anyway, he was talking about how she broke his heart, over a stupid thing, at a time when he "needed her most." I don't know why I brought this up.
I think I'm done writing for the day.
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