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reciprocation, connectivity, and lastly, but not least, trust
part i
km and i were talking about ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends and he noted a commonality in all of them, how everyone knows they are psychotic, except themselves. like, they'll be engulfed in a thought, sparked by jealousy, or whatever the case may be, and they'll just eventually do psychotic shit, without ever really knowing how wrong they are. i don't know if i'm explaining this clearly enough but the whole point is, i saw my reflection in that today. how scary a single thought can be. lethal. afterall, that's where everything starts.
[old people+canova]
I used to work for this deli named Canova a few years ago. This was a month after I graduated high school, and I started working full time, for the next year and a half. Sometimes, I'd work on Saturdays, and in that event, it was for the whole day, 12 whole hours, so I'd be at work by 7. Well, this is the city, so usually, the people who frequent this deli on weekends are either tenants around the area or tourists. Or people at work, of course. Anyway, I'd see this one couple, old, maybe in their 70's, or older, every Saturday, for a cup of tea with lemon, or milk, and a bagel, and it was such a nice sight. I'd gaze at them, linger for a while, while they went about their own business on a table afar off. Even to this day, although I don't remember what their faces looked like, I still recall where I was standing, and where they were sitting, and the thoughts that I had back then. And the thoughts that I have every now and then. Like today.
Life is all about what you have. Not what you don't have. So I don't complain. But you know, I'm allowed to dream, and wish, right. So I wish that that was me in 50 years. To be able to take a stroll every morning, with my husband of 40, 50 years (of marriage), to the nearest deli, or shop. And just have someone to share a cup of tea with.
dp and dl were both computer geeks. And back then, I was so computer illiterate, and paranoid, that every little thing that would go wrong with my computer, I'd think that he was fucking with my computer. Well, I think it's the other way around now. Not that pb said anything but he knows that I know a little something about computers. We're talking about someone who barely knows how to copy and paste. So it's not that I'm a computer geek, because I am hardly. But I just know a bit more. Like checking the history of the IE. And I guess he used to log onto yahoo personals quite often back in the days, because I found something like that. Good thing that the last message sent by him was in February. heh heh. Not that I really checked thoroughly. I don't believe in reading mail and shit so I didn't do any of that. Just checked the dates. I'm not gonna tell him what to do, and what not to do. I pointed it out to him, because by now, I think he would know that I know. So I told him that I know, especially since I know that he knows that I know. Just so it won't be on the back our minds. I can't stand shadiness. I don't want someone to be shady with me - and so I could never be shady with that someone, either. Not telling him that I knew, would be shady.
How I could be ruthlessly blunt. I know it's something that one could only either love or hate. Can't help it. If I have something on my mind, and if you mean something to me, then you will know it. And it's not because I am seeking a resolution. I don't try to change people - I can't even change my own self. I just simply need things either black, or white. Defined, crystal clear. No gray areas for me, please. One could fuck the gray areas. So I don't hold shit like grudges. I'll either spit it out, even if it's as hot as fire, or drop it.
CL. While I was writing an e-mail on hotmail, my messenger was on, and he happened to sign on and message me. It's interesting how he remembers my fucking birthday. He'd always, without fail, call me to wish me a happy fucking birthday. It's interesting because not a lot of people remember (or even know when it is), but he would. Even if we stop talking for a while. So out of the blue, he says, "hey, your birthday's coming up." I don't swear too much when I talk to him but I said something like, "why the hell do you remember?" CL is definitely something else. I'll always love him. A good friend but a bad boyfriend, is what he will always be.
I'm not done writing but my eyes are tired. So I guess I'll retire here. For the night.
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