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nobody knows
the trouble I've been through~. Nobody knows...but Jesus. - Louis Armstrong.
I. Am. So. Sad. So, so, sad. Because he was nice. And different. But I knew it was too good to be true. I was prepared. Like they say..."if it's too good to be true, it probably is." Yeup. It was too good to be true.
Can't say, 'i told ya so.' I've been fingering the panic button for a while now. Because I knew it was too good to be true. And I pushed, and pushed. And at strike three, I said, fuck it. And walked home. Again. All the way from motherfucking Union Tpyk/150. I don't know if this was the longest distance I've ever walked...but my knees are wobbly. And my legs are aching. I don't know how I'm going to work; stand for 12 straight hours tomorrow.
How ironic, of Julia, to ask me today. Because she knows, as well as I do, that I am just not relationship material. Why can't people fucking believe me when I say that? I know myself better than anyone. Why must people challenge me? Dumb motherfucks.
I am still sad. So, so sad. Because I heard a lot of things for the first time; things I would have never imagined hearing from him...let alone from a guy. But what made me pull myself away? First it was, "that was very whore-ish of you." Then it went back to that. Then again. And that's when I said to myself..."ok. Regardless, of, whateverthefuck...I have my own motherfucking conscious to condemn my own self - I don't need another." I was never shady. For I believe in black or white; no gray areas. So I was always straightforward. And upfront. I am ruthlessly blunt, at times. And I'm sorry if he thought that xy, instead of z, was "ambiguous."
That's right. I've had more than xy one-nite stands. He was my first, true, boyfriend. And I don't blame him for wanting a more virtuous girl. Totally understandable. That's why I did, what I did.
I don't care. If you don't understand how most of the guys that I slept with were one-niters...fuck you. If you don't understand, quite frankly, I don't give a flying fuck. Because I am better off alone.
could you see yourself married to me?
honestly, yeah.
asdf?
because i consider you my girlfriend. and like you said, it's kind of degrading. if it was purely physical, then i wouldn't give a fuck. but it's not.
I was having a rough day, after the last entry, and I did something, that I had never done before: made myself vulnerable to someone. I called the honey up, and said, just some shit that I would have never said to any other guy. Little things. And he picked me up. We went to some restaurant on the same block of my old church, where my church used to be. And we had some san-chae bi bim bap...and some kalbi. Then I just chilled at his place. Played around with his computer, since he is so 'puter illiterate, while he did some laundry...paid some bills, and balanced his checkbook.
are you feigning?
actually, i would be. but i'm not, since i'm spending all this time with you.
i'll be your drug.
ha ha. yeah, i like spending time with you so much that it has kept my mind off of it.
Being in his arms. And he wouldn't jump me at every chance. Talking to him. Hearing his hi-ee, and his laugh. Seeing his smile. Fondling his ass...he sure has a nice ass. Sweetest, so far. He probably thought I was a freak, from all those times I'd just fondle his ass. He's laidback. So we'd talk about everything.
I am going to miss him. Terribly.
Work tomorrow. Actually, in a few hours. Wish me fucking luck. I don't know how I'm going to last...12 straight hours, of just waiting on tables, after being unemployed, sitting on my ass, doing nothing, for so fucking long. Shibal.
The Man I Love. That Etta James song...will always remind me of you, pb.
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